Thank you for opening up and sharing all of that - I can tell how much pain and confusion you’re going through right now, and I want you to know that your words aren’t too much. You’re not too much. What you’re experiencing is real, and it deserves to be heard and taken seriously.
First off: I’m really sorry that things feel so out of control for you. The emptiness, the physical symptoms, the mood swings, the dissociation, the paranoia, the intrusive thoughts - none of that is something anyone should have to deal with alone, especially not at 14. It’s okay if you don’t have a clear memory or timeline of everything - what matters is that you’re hurting, and you reached out. That alone is incredibly brave.
From what you described, it sounds like your mind and body are under a lot of strain, and it’s wearing you down in every way. You’re not weak for struggling - you’re reacting to what may be trauma, chronic stress, mental illness, or maybe even all of them combined. And even though you don’t feel in control right now, I want to remind you that the person who wrote this post is still here - someone self-aware, thoughtful, and desperate to feel better. That part of you matters.
I can also hear how trapped you feel - at home, in school, with other people, even in your own body. It’s awful to feel like no one really sees you or understands how much you’re barely holding it together. That kind of isolation makes everything worse. I’m really sorry that therapy isn’t an option right now, especially if your parents aren't supportive. You deserve help without needing to fight for it.
You don’t need to carry all of this alone. I know it’s hard to trust anyone, especially when you’ve been burned before, but even small safe spaces — like this forum or your one online friend — can be lifelines. You’re not a burden for reaching out, even if your brain tells you otherwise. The truth is: you're not alone, and you're not broken beyond repair. It’s just that when everything feels like too much for too long, your brain and body start sounding the alarm in every way they can.
If therapy isn't possible right now, maybe the next step is just getting more support, somewhere you don’t feel judged or filtered. Some teens have found help through services like:
Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741 in the US/UK/Canada)
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US)
Lifeline (Australia) 13 11 14
Or even apps like Vent, 7 Cups, or NotOK App
These don’t replace real therapy, but they can be ways to feel less alone while you figure things out. And even on forums like this, you're allowed to keep talking, venting, questioning - you deserve that outlet.
You might not see it now, but just the fact that you're still here, still searching, still writing all this out — it means something. You are not past the point of hope. The feelings might be loud right now, but they're not the whole story. There is still a future for you that doesn't feel like this. One where you're not surviving alone in silence, but actually living in a way that feels okay.
Please keep reaching out. You're not alone here.
