I overthought the title of my post for like 10 minutes that’s how terrible I am at this. Anyways turns out my mother is bringing me overseas for no reason. I knew it was coming, but she never told me when I was going and I was too afraid to ask her, now I’ve learnt that we’re going tomorrow and I don’t want to go, like you take me everywhere for no goddamn reason and I’m sick of it and the only reason I haven’t brought it up with you (maybe not the only reason) is that you won’t listen to a thing I say and keep pushing my brother and other people’s issues onto me as if everything in the world that goes wrong is my fault. You threatened to disown me and the next day said you love me with no hesitation, you throw wrenches into my life and plans (however short term they may be) while my mind being out of my control and school life is already enough of an issue, the funny part is I told you about a bunch of my milder issues to see how you would react, and you basically force me to say I’m fine to you, how do I trust you with literally anything. My schedule is a mess, can I just be alone, I know I’m not going to get any alone time overseas because oh no overseas means you have to spend 15 hours walking around looking at scenery, like I don’t care one bit about that just leave me be and let me have my space, I have no interest in any of that, especially not while my mind is killing me from the inside. I literally had a scar that was highly visible on my arm for months and no one noticed, no one sees me as an actual person, just something to be carried around and used for your own benefit, the only people who even try to understand me are my decimate (who I don’t think fully understands) and a couple of online friends. What do you mean “phone addictions” or “lack of social interaction”, can you blame me for not interacting with others, when I can barely get 2 sentences out without losing my train of thought, you’ve seen this happen many times when you force me to do this, why can’t you understand? I am clearly not interested in this conversation of your and have no reason to join it, in fact almost every time I try to enter a conversation unprompted I got kicked out or shunned, and you expect me to have initiative? My classmates are even worse, my 6th grade classmates can go to hell, literal trauma as they openly defy me trying to do my duty in a position I never wanted, even those who are meant to be helping me are actively opposing me, like is it that hard to shut up for three goddamn seconds like come on, and the teachers, can you please do something, anything? I don’t have the authority to punish anyone despite what my position might imply, you put me here against my will and make me obsolete aside from helping them carry their stuff and other things. I’m in 8th grade, and I somehow manage to have it even worse! I have no position now but my class environment is literal hell, I either sit back and watch the chaos unfold, people getting bullied with my mind calling me a coward for not helping them when a previous version of me would’ve, I try to intervene and can’t bring out a single sentence and just end up standing on the side still, or I even slightly glance at what’s happening and all of a sudden I’m in trouble because I am somehow a perpetrator of this action, and the teachers still don’t bother to do anything, like they’re actively allergic to giving out punishments or even reprimands, even the lightest types, I’ve sent like 10 photos of one guy getting consistently harassed and the response is a sad face emoji that I don’t believe is sincere in the slightest, and you still want to send me for a mental health test (170 questions) with no parental or student consent, and all this other stuff I don’t want any part in but “oh it’s compulsory it’s a part of the school experience”. Think about it for 2 seconds. What is the point of a mental health survey, if you have to write your name on it; why would you expose yourself like that? Not everything is my fault either, and if you guys talk behind my back of course I’m curious to figure out what you are saying, why am I in the wrong for trying to know this? I’m being relied on by others and when I fail they fail and blame it on me, let me out of this spotlight I’m not even that smart why do you guys think I’m the next Einstein just because I scored 100 on my math test, and if that’s the case why do you treat me like an AI to give you test answers? Let me do my math problems and self-hating reflections in peace whyyyyyyyy. I can’t even cry anymore, and you want me to oh “be more loose” and “be more expressive”, SO WHY DO YOU PUNISH ME FOR THIS, AND NOT ANYONE ELSE? How hard is it to understand I can’t trust any single one of you with anything, without half expecting you to screw it up and blame me or some other innocent guy? If the school actually punished peoples based off what their handbook would say, my current class would be dead ten times over, my 6th grade one maybe twenty times over, they gave me so much trouble and I really hate remembering them, why am I the target of everything, getting caught in crossfire no matter the issue, stop coming to me for answers and understand that no I don’t know everything you ask of me, stop bothering me and we can coexist, but no apparently everyone loves me and bothers me until I give out the slightest bit of discontent to which they always find a way to push me down. You can’t talk behind my back calling me mean names, then the next day expect me to actually forget all of this. Same goes for my brother. I do not have an obligation to play with you, I don’t know where you got the idea that “oh you’re older than me and related to me so you must do whatever I say” but it’s just not true. And can my parents stop forcing me to play with you when I refuse? Leave me alone, just let me be, I’m don’t even feel like I’m actually here half the time and whenever I am it’s constant suffering because of all of you. Yes I could be having this worse, I understand that, but that doesn’t give any of you the right to treat me like this, and the worst part is I go along with it because my motivation to stop it is zero, I’m half convinced my mind is suppressing my emotions just to not lash out, I lock and tense up in conversations or even just walking past random people, I can’t think straight and just randomly suffer mini panic attacks and none of you can notice any of this. I’m tired of it but I know I can’t make decisions for myself anymore, I get locked up, and I hate that I keep getting forced in every decision but whenever I’m actually met with a real one I can’t make up my mind, I’m overthinking everything while my mind hardly holds on to what I’m thinking and I have stuff like songs stuck in my head that makes it torturous, why do I have to endure this
Sorry for letting everything out again, and maybe this contradicts my previous post, I can’t care anymore, the shock of realising that I was going overseas again without either asking or wanting just leaves to do goddamn empty and tired right now. My mother told me I agreed to this, but if I did I don’t remember it (I don’t remember half my decisions or the sort, and they’re usually done mindlessly or a forced decision so it checks out) Maybe Im just terrible at life and I just keep getting stuck between wanting and not wanting to do something, but this is something I really don’t want and I’m forced to do it anyways. My will doesn’t even matter in my life anymore because for all intents and purposes I don’t have one, I’m tired I’ll leave it here I’m going for a nap or something
